I have had the craziest two weeks of the whole year. I couldn't have written anything until today because I just had to wait for the Xanax to wear off! I'm kidding but it's been crazy.

A week and a half ago I was in the Gay Pride parade and it was really fun, except not exactly as glamorous as I always imagined. I was supposed to ride on the Here TV! float to represent their fab new show, "Paradise Falls�." I play Mimi Van Lux, the outrageous, but ladylike porn director and I was extremely proud to promote that show.

I've always wanted to be in the Gay Pride parade. Ever since I was a little gay icon in San Francisco. I've hosted Gay Pride events, performed at Gay Pride bar parties with a pool table as a stage, but the parade has eluded me. I was finally in the company of other gay icons like Bette Midler, Cher, Ant and Tiffany.

A limo picked me up in the morning, which was totally exciting but, because of the way the parade was organized the hot Latino limo driver (who was really sweet - I made out with him in lieu of a tip!) was forced to drop me off three blocks from the float.

I had to lug my costume and wig down the street, because stupidly, I didn't come dressed. And then I couldn't even find the float. Even the parade organizers didn't know where it was. There I was, carrying bags up and down the street in the extreme heat looking for my float and one sweet gay boy finally figured out that it was listed on the big parade chart as the "Warner Cable"� float.

Once I found it, I went into the Starbucks across the street to change into my costume. And you know how Starbucks often has one bathroom that men and women have to share? God, I hate that because there I was trying to get ready in a bathroom with a urine-soaked floor. Has Tiffany had to do this? I think not. Probably Ant has. For sure Ant has.

I wore a crazy waitress costume and a big wig because I thought, 'Hey, you gotta be campy for the Gay Pride parade, right?' But the problem was that they hadn't made a sign identifying me on the float. And since I was wearing a costume and a wig, it made it even harder to know who I was. So as I went by, I swear I heard someone say, "Wow, that drag queen looks like Julie Brown!" So what can you do? I waved with pride like the Julie Brown drag queen that I am.

In the end, it didn't matter because I was part of history now. I participated in Gay Pride 2008. The same year that gay people in California could now get married. A truly fabulous and historic event!

The very next day, Disney flew Dartanian (my son, not his real name) and me to New York for the premiere of "Camp Rock�." I mentioned in a past blog, that my brother Paul and I wrote this movie, like two and a half years ago, and finally, last summer it got made. And I got to do a part in it, the perky camp counselor, Dee La Duke. It was really fun while we were filming. Then Disney started saying, "This is going to be the next "High School Musical,"" and I thought, 'We'll see, we'll see.'

They coolest part was that they were flying us first class, and this was Dartanian's first trip to New York. First class on his first trip! I was so jealous, even though I was with him. It's just that my first trip to New York was in the 80's. I flew coach sitting next to a guy who had taken too many Quaaludes and ended up vomiting his Chicken Kiev in my hair.

I told Dartanian, "Enjoy this, it wont always be this way." When we checked in, they said we could wait in the First Class International Lounge. We go up there and there's adorable little sandwiches and sushi and drinks and desserts and....Mary Kate Olsen!! I swear to God! I was so excited but I acted cool. Except for when Dartanian and I were loading up our plates with food and pretty much eating everything in sight, while Mary Kate just played with her Blackberry. She didn't eat anything for the whole hour and a half we were waiting. I thought, 'Okay maybe she ate before she got here.'

Then we get on the plane and she's sitting behind me and to the left! She puts her seat back (I couldn't even figure out how to work it) and covers herself with a special velvet blanket she brought from home. And even though the plane was stuck on the ground for another two hours before we took off, she NEVER GOT UP! NOT ONCE! Not even to pee. I had no idea how she did it. I figured it must have been an old Navy Seal trick she learned - how to be able to ignore extreme pain. That's probably how she survived all those Full House scripts.

Not only that, they were serving really fabulous food. Crab cakes, baby green salad, roast chicken and mashed potatoes, and ice cream sundaes with hot fudge for dessert. But Mary Kate did not eat one thing! I thought she would have at least eaten the sundae and then barfed it up. If I got too full, that was going to be my plan. Dartanian and I were calling ourselves the hobos of first class� compared to the businessmen and Mary Kate, but we didn't care! It was a blast.

We get to NY and it's like 110 degrees with 250% humidity. Those numbers might not be exact, but it was hot. Then, the day of the premiere they gave me this little Pirates of the Caribbean looking box and inside was...a video camera! Perks! I loved it!

A makeup and hair girl showed up, and two hours later, another limo! This was all looking very promising for the movie, and as the limo was nearing the Ziegfield theater, I heard all this screaming. I looked out the window and a sea of teenage girls were lining the streets with signs saying things like "I heart Joe"� and "Jonas Brothers Rule!" I mean, I knew the Jonas Brothers had become huge teen idols but to see it... it was like the way girls used to freak out about The Beatles. Not that I am old enough to remember, but I've seen it in news clips and movies.

I was blinded by photographers when I walked down the red carpet and got interviewed by people from every country. I think I even spoke Chinese for a few moments. They even interviewed Dartanian! We were whisked into the movie theater which was packed and Dartanian and I were seated in the middle. Then guys who looked exactly like secret service men, bring in the Jonas Brothers and the place goes nuts. They each kissed me hello, very "Hollywood polite"� and
girls were screaming and freaking out. I personally was a little more turned on kissing the limo driver on Gay Pride day but maybe that's because I'm not into guys who are the same age as my son!!! They're very cute though.

We watched the movie and girls screamed at all the right times. The "after� party" was a camp� theme and I don't mean sequins and false eyelashes. They were serving S'mores and hot dogs and you could get your face painted. I was hoping for alcohol, which is usually what I bring when I go camping, but I guess Disney didn't think that was appropriate.

At the very end, Demi Lovato the girl star of the movie and the Jonas Brothers performed and they really are talented and adorable. Then yesterday, I heard that the last song from the movie, "We Rock" is number one of the Billboard charts and it knocked off Madonna!

So after what I saw in New York, I sincerely hope it is the next "High School Musical"� and more importantly, I hope Madonna doesn't hate me! Sorry Madge!

P.S. "Camp Rock"� premieres tomorrow at 8 on the Disney Channel. Then on ABC Family Channel on the weekend, and then back on the Disney Channel every day for the rest of eternity! Hopefully! Please note, my part in the final cut is not that big. Like everything in life, it's all about the children. Damn them. Actually I'm thrilled to have been involved with this in any way.

Hi everyone,

This is Julie's assistant. She came up with that title but she's busy so I'm taking care of this part.

She wants to let you know that she will be in the West Hollywood Gay Pride Parade this Sunday. She will be on the here! float. So, look out for her.

She is also going to New York next week for the premiere of Camp Rock.

I stumbled on a tape the other day that I thought was interesting. It was a demo of Donna DeLory singing Julie's song Time Slips Away. Hopefully there are some music nerds like me reading this who appreciate the existence of that. It was cool to listen to.

Oh, one other thing. Julie is currently working on issuing Attack Of The 5'2" Women on DVD herself. She has permission from Showtime, now she has find the best master, get the cover designed and all the rest. We hope to have it available for everyone to buy by the end of summer. Julie will mention here as soon as it's ready.

OK, I think that's all from me.

God, I have never been more encouraged to go off a diet than by you guys! I can't tell you how loved I feel, without depriving myself. So many of these suggestions are brilliant . Although, I don't know why no one suggested cigarettes. That's what keeps the Olsen Twins so thin. And they don't just smoke them, they eat them. Hey, tobacco is a vegetable, right?

So this last week, I've started what I call the "Live a Fabulous Life" diet. As we all know, being full-on fat isn't fabulous. I mean, I'm not fat but I live in Hollywood and I'm an actress and if you're not a size 4 you're fat. So I know all of this is relative.

Here's how it works, yes I am writing a cookbook and this is my first recipe. Aside from the "Kitty Littler Cake" mentioned in an earlier blog. All week I watched what I ate, eating small portions (like Jenny Craig suggests) but this weekend I had a birthday party for my friend Andy. And since I'm determined to live a fabulous life, I made a dessert that is so damn nasty and good... Eat me Jenny Craig!

I've made this before and it's the kind of dessert that inspires your guests to lick, not only their own fingers but all the other guests fingers (and various body parts!) So if you're having a party and you want everyone to think you're a pastry goddess, try it. It's called, "Julie's Slutty, Tarty Tatin." It's based on a French classic that is said to have been invented by accident in the 1860's at the Hotel Tatin, in the Solgone region of France when the daughter of baker Jean Tatin mistakenly put an apple tart into the oven upside down. I like to think she'd had sex in the kitchen and was too brain dead to remember which side is up - God that's happened to me!

Julie's Slutty Tarty Tatin

For the pastry:
1/12 cups flour
6 tbs. confectioners' sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
10 (yes 10!) tbs. butter, cut into small pieces
1 egg, lightly beaten and ridiculed

For the apples:
8 or 10 Granny Smith apples or whichever kind are you favorites because hey, you have to eat it
15 (yes, 15!!!!) tbs.. butter, cut into small pieces
1 cup sugar.

1. Sift together flour, sugar and salt into a large mixing bowl. Years ago, my gay friend Sam said "sifting" was gay. I didn't know if that meant if was a gay thing like "teabagging" or if he just meant gay as in "attention to detail". But mostly I don't end up "sifting" because I'm lazy. Use a pasty cutter, 2 table knives or a letter opener to work butter into flour until it looks lumpy. Stir in egg. Press dough into a rough ball, a smooth ball, or whatever kind of ball you prefer (I know my favorite!). Then flatten ball into a frisbee shaped disc. Wrap frisbee in plastic and refrigerate for 90 minutes.

2. Have cocktail of your choice and take a bath while waiting for frisbee to chill. Or if you're really tense about the party, take this time to find that half Xanax that you know is still somewhere at the bottom of your purse. Don't take anything stronger because you might just forget you're having a party and your friends will find you passed out in the tub - not anyone's best look!

3. For the apples: Preheat oven to 375. Peel, quarter and core apples. Melt butter in a 10" cast-iron skillet over medium heat, then remove from heat and sprinkle evenly with sugar. Tightly pack apples (sounds sexy, huh?) inside edge of skillet, upright on their sides, nestled against one another. (Getting horny just writing this. Or maybe just hungry - it's so hard to tell the difference!) Arrange remaining apples in the center of skillet. Sprinkle on a teaspoon of cinnamon...and the lemon juice.

Return to high heat and cook until butter and sugar caramelize to a rich, sexy Latin boy brown, about 20 minutes. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT allow your boyfriend into the kitchen at this point. He will want to stir the apples and ruin everything. I don't know why, but no-one can handle watching something cook in a pan for that long without stirring. And that wrecks the caramelization of the apples! I can't tell you how many times this has happened, it just makes me so mad thinking about it I want to find the other half of that Xanax!

Anyway, remove from heat, then carefully turn apples over the uncooked side with fork, taking care not to burn your fingers or set your party clothes on fire. I can't tell you how many times that's happened! Return to heat and cook 5-8 minutes longer. Remove from heat.

4. Roll out frisbee dough into a 12" circle. Drape pastry over apples and tuck overhanging dough between apples and inside edge of skillet. Bake in oven until pastry is golden, 20-30 minutes. Let cool for 15 minutes, once again making sure to keep any party guests away from pan. Once, Rae Dawn Chong decided that it was a cobbler, and she was going to help, so she stabbed it "just to let the steam out". She's a wonderful girl, but keep the "imaginative" people out of the kitchen. And I don't even want to tell you what Andy Dick did once on the top of my pumpkin pie. Thank God for Cool Whip!

5. Once the tart is cool, loosen edges with a knife. Invert onto a platter carefully. Tell everyone you're serving dessert outside on the patio, then watch your guests have mouth orgasms as they eat it. Trust me, you will be a hero and can probably ask the cutest guy in the room to stay and help you "hose off the patio."

I promise my next recipe will be low-carb and low cal. But for now, enjoy the fabulous life!
love
Julie

Before I go off on this damn diet I want to apologize for not including Woody Schutz, Paul Brown and Andy Kopra in the cast list for my last blog. What can I say, I was playing Paula Abdul and I think getting inside her mind made me stupid!

Okay, I've been on this stupid Jenny Craig diet for 6 weeks now and I'm completely disgusted by Jenny and her army of cheery, chunky consultants. 6 weeks and I've only lost 3 pounds! That isn't that good. 3 pounds!!!! After all the frozen food, eating at specific times and the Anytime bars which taste like chocolate-coated sand! I know it's better than gaining weight, but please.

I was so frustrated I went to the Jenny Craig website to look for inspiration and there's Valerie Bertinelli in Hawaii with her boyfriend talking about how she's the perfect "Surfer Girl Size". She's so perky and cheerful my impulse was to hate her, but I actually know her and she's really sweet. Then I thought "Hey, what happened to former Jenny Craig spokesmodel, Kirstie Alley?" Yesterday I picked up one of the tabloids which featured Kirstie Alley and her...( horror movie music)... "Cankles"! Cankles are when you're so fat your ankles and calves have melted into one horrible side of ham with a shoe on it. One photo was an actual zoom in on Kirstie's cankle. And a shot of her butt getting into her car. I swear I wanted to scream out, "Leave Kirstie alone!!!" just like that crazy boy on the internet who defends Britney. If you''ve never seen him please go to Youtube and type "Leave Britney alone". It's worth it.

The article went on to show Kirstie on Oprah in her "bikini" in 2006, but then said how Jenny Craig has not renewed her contract as a spokesmodel. It just made me so mad for fat people everywhere. I mean, it's like our whole culture is horrible towards fat people. Not that I think being fat is cool, cause it's unhealthy etc. blah blah blah, but the hostility towards fat people bugs me. And the same issue said Oprah has lost a total of 750 pounds in her lifetime! Bu now that she's fat again, she won't let any of her fat clothes go to the store where they sell her costumes from the show. So all those fabulous fat clothes are going to waste, because Oprah, the most powerful woman on televsion, is ashamed!

I grew up as a Catholic and that religion is all about deprivation so dieting fits in perfectly. Even secret bulimia is fine, because anything extreme is good. But as I'm getting older, I've just gotten sick of all the extreme stuff. Plus the guilt about sex? One night with a male underwear model and that got old.

I think that's why I really like Buddha now, because he's the only god who's pictured smiling and fat. And he's always talking about "The middle way". Which to me means, eat oatmeal for breakfast and have a beef burrito for lunch. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I will keep watching what I eat, but hell, if I suddenly want a fish taco or a tiramisu, I'm just going to have it and....fuck Jenny Craig. Fuck her right in her Sunshine Sandwich!

I just want to live a fabulous life, and you can't feel that fabulous if you're fat, but you can't feel fabulous if you never eat really tasty, nasty food. So from now on I'm inventing my own diet and I'll be including recipes that are rich and delicious, and some that are delicious and low-cal. And I'll be happy to take any recipes suggestions from any of you because, don't we all just want a fabulous life? Without cankles if possible?

Okay, this was a very hard week as an actress. First, I was called in on a movie called "Snowflake" which is being directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans and I assume it's another satire movie like "Scary Movie" but I can't really figure out what kind of satire. And here's the character description:

MS. CAMELTOE - A fearless comic actress who is willing to play up the prevalent "Cameltoe" aspect of this character and ALL that it might entail in a leotard. This uptight dance teacher finally let's her hair down and shows her students, in a VERY surprising way, the special tricks she can do.

Here's a bit of the script:

Ms. CAMELTOE enters wearing a leotard that is pulled up way too high, revealing a hideous cameltoe.

MS. CAMELTOE: Okay, people, I am your dance instructor Ms. Cameltoe.

When she says her name she says it phonetically like bad French so it sounds more like (ca-mel-TWAH).

MS. CAMELTOE: Some of you may have heard that I have a huge cunt... (coughs) Excuse me, country music collection. But I only have one interest here and that's the dance. I don't care whether you live or die, I just want to see you dance with a smile on your face. Now spread out!

Well, it turns out that Ms. Cameltoe's special "trick" is that her twat can actually keep a beat. Like a beat box. And the casting director told me that they will make a mechincal twat that you can wear so it's not like you actually have to have that as a "special skill." Which was good, 'cause under "special skills," I only list juggling and riding a bike. And I didn't know about this until I got to the audition, and I had this moment where I asked myself, "What would Meryl Steep do? Would she stay and audition or just walk out in a huff?" The Meryl I love would probably go for it, because with her acting ability, she probably wouldn't even need the mechanical device, so I gave it my best shot even though I had incredibly mixed feeling about doing this part. On one hand, it's work. Which is great. And the other "hand," my son would have to deal with the fact that his mom has a mechanical twat that can keep a beat in exactly the kind of movie that all his friends would see. I didn't get the part and I wasn't sad.

Then I went in on a show I actually like and I was reading for a "Craig's List" hooker. And I got called back. I was happy that I was actually called back because that means you're acting was okay enough, but it also means I could pass for a "Craig's List" hooker. Once again, a little mixed feelings. But the funny thing is I was called back with an actress who I consider my arch-rival. I won't say her name so as not to embarrass her (because she's actually really nice) but as far as her acting, I think she has the charisma of Velveeta cheese spread. But I didn't get the part, and I think she did. Does that mean she looks more like a "Craig's List" hooker? Should I feel good about that?

The reason I call her my arch-rival is because years ago, she got a part in a comedy movie and we were both the finalists. But I think she got the part because she's not that funny and it was the part of the girlfriend of the comedian who was starring in the movie. Sometimes actors who are a little insecure don't want anyone else in the movie to be funny. Am I right, or just bitter?

But on a very happy note, I got to star in a movie last weekend! Okay, I cast myself so I didn't have to compete with anyone. It's a little film I wrote where I play Paula Abdul getting ready for the Grammy's. And I thought about giving Paula a mechanical twat but it just seemed redundant. And we had a blast! Mary Sheer and Natanya Marks played my assistants, and Tony Tripoli played my publicist. Now I just have to edit it. And since Matt's an editor, next week I plan on trading sex for editing! I mean, why not? I've done it for a lot less. So look for the movie on YouTube in a few weeks!

First, I want to thank all of you who wrote and cheered me on when I decided to go on this public diet. You´re all so sweet and it´s encouraging to hear all of your weight loss stories. 40, 50, 150 pounds some people lost-it´s just amazing.

Back to me. Okay, I´ve been on the Jenny Craig diet for like 3 weeks and I´ve lost a pound and a half. Not that impressive. But at least the scales are going in the right direction. And I´ve even added their new "Soupitizer". It´s the cute name they give to soup that they want you to fill up .. a meal. But every time I ate one, I just kept thinking how much I really wanted a "Nacho-tizer".

Then yesterday morning, I was half way through my "Sunshine Sandwich" (that´s what Jenny Craig calls an English Muffin with an egg-like thing and a quarter-sized piece of Canadian bacon with a teeny package of salsa) when suddenly I felt something in my mouth and pulled out (horror movie music)...a pubic hair! I´m not kidding. And it wasn´t mine because well, I don´t make a practice of eating breakfast naked. Not anymore since I almost lost a nipple cutting limes for Breakfast Margaritas!

I starred at the hair unable to move. I mean, what was I supposed to do now? The food plan is very specific about how much you get to eat. And then I thought, "Is this how Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley lost all that weight on Jenny Craig? They were too repulsed by a public hair to finish their food?" But that couldn´t be right. I mean, Valerie Bertinelli lived with Eddie Van Halen for years and with all those musicians and groupies, why there must have been pubic hair in the food every day.

And Kirstie Alley, well you just know she´s eaten pubic hair by the bush-load! Right? So that can´t be their weight loss secret. But it sure stopped me from finishing my "Sunshine Sandwich". I just did some extra cardio so I wouldn´t think about it. Then I had my meeting with my consultant Muffet today and I was going to tell her about the hair and hope to get some kind of credit on the food this week. Even though I wasn´t going to bring in the hair as evidence-Dammit, she was just going to have to believe me!

But they weigh you at the beginning of the session and I lost...a whole pound! I was so happy that I completely forgot to tell Muffet about the hair. As I was driving away with this week´s supply of "Sunshine Sandwiches´ I remembered, but it seemed petty and embarrassing to march back into the office and complain.

So, I lost 3 and 1/2 pounds-eating frozen food and one "Hair-itizer". Maybe it´s all part of Jenny´s master plan!

I´ve always admired the way brave actresses like Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli were willing to go on a diet while they were fat and be photographed in their fat clothes saying "I´m going to lose weight!" I always think, "What if they don´t?" That would be so embarrassing! But they both did and I realized that the pressure of the public diet is brilliant. I mean, people are watching and if you don´t lose weight, EVERYONE is going to say something to you. Like if you were at the movies and you bought a big popcorn, somebody would say, "Are you sure you should be eating that?"

Well, I want to lose that last 10 pounds, which is really hard, so I thought...the public diet! That will motivate me!

Two weeks ago, I went to Jenny Craig and signed up. It was great. They had a picture of their new spokeswoman, Queen Latifah in her fat clothes and under the picture it said, "I don´t want to be a supermodel, I want to be a role model." I had no idea what that meant, because given the choice, I would much rather be a supermodel. (I mean, that´s what I named my dog!) But they explained to me that Queen (I guess that´s what her friends call her) just wants to lose twenty pounds so she´ll be healthier, not thin. And I thought that´s probably a pretty good move since Kirstie Alley lost like seventy pounds, went on Oprah in a bikini, then gained a lot back. Better to just say, "I want to be healthy" instead of "I want to embarrass myself on Oprah." Even Oprah´s embarrassed herself on Oprah. You don´t want to set the bar too high.

So I just told them I want to lose eight pounds, but I really want to lose 10. But I´m keeping that bar low.

My consultant, Muffet, was so sweet and when I asked her if she was on the diet, she said she was taking a break right now. Even though she still wants to lose 50 pounds! And take a break? When she can probably get discounts on all that frozen Jenny Craig food? I figured she was crazy, but I liked her. She finally weighed me and I was freaking out, but to my happy surprise I weighed 2 pounds less than I thought! I hadn´t even spent any money and I was losing weight!

So the first week was hard probably because your body is in shock, and I was really hungry. But after my next weigh-in I lost....1/2 a pound! Remember my bar is low, and Muffet said that when someone is on the last ten pounds you have to be patient because fat clings to you like Teri Hatcher clinging to her youth!

Week two was a little easier and Muffet told me about Jenny Craig´s new plan called "Volumetrics". It mean adding more vegetable to each meal. I think "Volumetrics" is is just Jenny code for "I´m so fucking hungry I want to eat cardboard!" But the added vegetable did help and in my weigh-in today...another 1/2 a pound!

That´s why I haven´t been blogging. I´ve been suffering "severe butter withdrawal", but I´m starting to get over it. And now that I´ve admitted that I´m on a diet, if any of you see me at the movies holding a big tub of buttered popcorn....if you love me, you won´t say anything!!!
Wish me luck!

Happy Valentines Day everybody! I wanted to make sure and tell you all how much I love you because all of you who write to me on MySpace are so sweet and encouraging and funny. I really do love all of you!

This morning I auditioned for a movie called, "Soul Man" and it was the kind of audition that completely makes you question all your career choices. Not because of the script-I actually think it's going to be good. It stars Samuel L. Jackson and I love him! What I question is the part they wanted me to read for. It was a woman named Rosalee who is in her 40's, and described as a "Wild Southern (big accent) not-put-together woman. Partial Nudity is Required." I told my manager that I wasn't about to do nudity. So he called and they said the "Nudity was negotiable". Negotiable? like, "We'll give you a quick side breast, but no nipple." It sounded insane but my manager said we'll cross that butt crack when we come to it.

The description said to "dress provocatively". So I wore a low-cut top and leopard pants. And I was supposed to play a woman who's having a one-night-stand with a blues man and my daughter accidentally ends up with his buddy. So I wait and wait to read, and there are several women there also dressed like whores. Judy Tenuta was one of them. Finally they have me come in and usually the director or someone else is in there. But it was one casting director and she was going to read with me and shoot the audition at the same time. She was a very soft spoken woman who just happened to be black. I only mention that because reading the script with her made me totally uncomfortable. Here's the script:

Int. Motel room-Night

The door bursts open. Floyd and Rosalee spill into the dark room in a passionate, groping frenzy. Shes leaps on him and kisses him passionately, almost violently. But then, suddenly she stops as if she's having second thoughts.
Floyd: What's wrong baby?
Rosalee: Nothin' sugar. I just.. I've never been with ... you know, someone like you.
Floyd smiles reassuringly.
Floyd: It is true what they say, but Floyd's gonna be real gentle with you. Your first taste of dark meat will be smooth and sweet.
Rosalee: Oh, I've boned plenty of coloreds. I meant I never been with someone so... old.
Floyd: (offended) You ain't no teen queen yourself, honey...
He realizes that was the wrong thing to say, and smoothly recovers, stroking her hair.
Floyd: So let's combine our decades of sexual experience into a night of exploration, and bliss.
It works.
She stands, then with a couple of deft moves, let's her dress drop to the floor. She tempts him with a few teasing tugs on the panties.
Rosalee: Hope you don't mind hair down there.
Floyd props himself up on one elbow.
Floyd: Honey child, I came to sexual awakening in the Sixties. Nothing I like better than a big ol' fluffy--(the panties come down) --Damn! That's a lot of hair!
Rosalee: You want me to shave it?
Floyd: I don't think we got time or the proper apparatus for a job like that.
He pats the bed invitingly. She slithers to him and lowers his pants to find a sturdy tent pole rising under his drawers.
Rosalee: Well, look who's coming to dinner.
Floyd: Right on time, too.
Rosalee: I'm going to do something special for you, Floyd. Have you ever had a velveteen rub?
Floyd: There's no cheese involved, is there? Because I'm lactose intolerant--
She pops out her DENTURES and places them on the night stand. Floyd regards the disembodied chompers warily as her head dips out of FRAME. Then, rhapsody...

Can I tell you how retarded I felt saying the line "I boned plenty of coloreds" to this sweet, female casting director? And the "velveteen rub" which is a b-job without your dentures? I think if I saw someone else do this (Cybill Shepherd-perfect!) I might think it was funny, but I felt like an idiot. Acting can be the best job in the world or sometimes the worst!
By the way, the vet said Soupy is fine, even though I never actually found the pin! Have a fun night with your Valentine!
Love,
Julie

I cant believe it's been two weeks since I wrote. I'm like a new Mom with this puppy. The getting up in the middle of the night, the peeing on the carpet, the breast-feeding, I'm exhausted!
Kidding. But the whole thing reminds me so much of when Dartanian was a baby. Your life becomes so much about this other creature. You feel so bad when you have to leave that I end up taking her with me in the car a lot in her carrier (because she's so small). And a week after I got Soupy (short for Supermodel) she took a Christmas ornament off the tree and I was working on something and I thought, good, she's playing with something. But then when I looked I realized that the ornament had little pins in it. I was so horrified and I called the vet and they said, better bring her in.
I take Soupy in, they X-ray her and sure enough, there was a straight pin right there. It cost $250 just to find this out and the vet said, "And you're going to have to search her poop for the pin". I'm serious.
So every time she poops I have to collect it in a baggie, then go through it like a CSI investigator. I did this for about 4 days and I remember thinking, "When Paris Hilton's dog eats something bad, I don't think Paris is dissecting poop." And she has exotic pets too like a kinkajou, which is a small bear from South America. I bet when the Kinkajou eats her cell phone, Paris just hands it to the maid and says, "Call me when Kinka poops out my RAZR. Well, clean off the poop first, then call me. "
On the fourth day of this really fun task I started freaking out because I couldn't find the pin. And I thought I might of missed it since I wasn't doing a really meticulous job. And since she was going to the bathroom a lot I knew I must have missed it. It was like trying to find a pin in a poop storm.
I was talking to my good friend Shan who's does car pool with me and was telling her I would probably have to spend another $250 to find out if Soupy still had the pin in her. She's very practical and she said, "What did the vet tell you to look for?" I said, "She said she's be fine, just bring her in if she's vomits or stops eating." Shan said, "Has she done any of that?" I said, "No." Then Shan said, "She's fine."
So it's been two weeks, Soupy is eating everything in sight so I'm going to assume that she's perfect.
Moms are so practical.

Okay, I was on CSI last night and I Tivoed it and haven't watched it. I know that seems insane, but sometimes I can't watch things while they're on because while I'm watching it I think, "God everyone's watching this right now!" If only I was more of a narcissist, being an actress would be a lot easier. I bet Eva Longoria never has trouble watching herself!
But Matt was a really good boyfriend and watched it and told me I looked hot, and then he said the sweetest thing a boyfriend can say, he told me that Nicole Sullivan, who was also on the show, has the biggest ass in the world! Okay, I'm not saying that's true and I've seen her on auditions and she's adorable, but for my boyfriend to say something that sweet to me...well, I just love him.
Also, I have another big update. A week ago, I got a new puppy. A Maltipoo. That's half Maltese, half poodle. She's 10 weeks old and so adorable and I'm completely exhausted. But I love her.
I already have 2 cats. Lickety (Split) and Banana (Split) both named by Dartanian. And I don't know why but about 4 months ago, I totally got the urge to get a dog, and I haven't had one since I've been a kid. I totally love my cats and my son and my boyfriend, so why, why get a dog? I don't know but I was possessed.
I wanted to rescue a dog so I started to go to some shelters (that's where I've gotten the last two cats and the 2 before), but I just couldn't deal with it. it just made me too sad. So I started looking on the internet.
Well, I found this puppy from a breeder in Missouri (So I kind of rescued her---from a red State!). And she arrived last Thursday. I don't know anything about puppies, so I got Puppies for Dummies. And I've learned so much in the last week, but I am so tired. It's like having a baby. But the kind you can leave corralled in the kitchen with some kibble when you go to the store-something I was never able to do with my son Dartanian! (Not his real name)
And puppies are so demanding. She won't let me work, she wants to be in my lap or throw a ball for her or pull on the sock and play tug of war. Every second. And I have to admit, by day three I had post-dogal depression. I mean, my cats wouldn't come near me because they think the dog is disgusting and I realized how much my life had changed and that sometimes you just have to deal with a pool of urine on the floor.
But the depression passed and I totally, totally love her even though she is like half potty trained. (Half the time she pees when I take her outside, half the time it's in the house)
I told Dartanian he could name her but his best friend was staying over when I got her. So here are the names the two teenagers came up with: Atilla, Areatha, Zed, Cracker, Badass, Squirrel Food, Bubs, Axel, Optimus Prime (from the Transformers movie) and McLovin (from the movie Superbad). Thank God I, at least had veto power so I said no to all of them. Finally his friend left and Dartanian said he wanted to name her after one of his favorite characters in Strongbad, which is actually a funny internet cartoon. And he wanted to call her "King Bubs Gonzola Supreme". I said we could call her "Soupy" for short and he finally agreed. But now I'm telling everyone that "Soupy" is short for "Supermodel." And I'm sticking with that.

Hi everyone,

This is Julie's assistant here. She's running around (well, not literally running around, just busy) but wanted me to let everyone know that the CSI episode featuring her is on tonight. Hopefully this is enough notice for everyone to catch it.

Okay, I was suppossed to go and perform at a fantastic gay club in Puerta Vallarta and then stay there for three days with Matt after Christmas--which sounds fantastic, right? Well, the plane tickets got confused and it ended up being one performance and 2 days in Mexico. Still reallly cool. But I had to get up at 6 to get Dartanian (my son-not his real name) to his father's house in time to get Matt and get to the airport. So by the time I got to the airport, I was already a little tired. And then our plane was delayed for an hour and a half. But....Tyra Banks was sitting behind me. I swear to God. Because the club had booked us in first class-which doesn't always happen.
But here I was in first class, with Tyra behind me. I wanted to say to many things to here. Like, remember her show where she went on a blind date in a fat suit and bad glasses, just to show the plight of fat girls. And then when she talked about it on the show she cried because people were mean to her? Or remember when she conquered her deathly fear of dolphins by getting in a tank with them? Or what about when she was so upset that people were saying her boobs were fake that she had a doctor come on her show and feel her up, just to prove they were real?
I just love her so much that I didn't quite know what to say to her, and I'm usually pretty brave about just talking to celebrities. But everyone was staring at her and two geeky guys from the back of the plane came up and just stared and her and said, "Hey, you look like Tyra Banks". And I told them they should just leave her alone. So I even protected Tyra.
And I didn't even say anything when she pulled out a stinky Jody Maroni hot dog that she smuggled onto the plane.
So I figured by the end of the trip it would be cool if I said hi, so as we were getting off the plane I turned and said, "Hi Tyra, I'm Julie Brown, a comedian and I love your show. " And she smiled at me like I was a psycho fan and said, "Yeah, thanks." That was it! I mean I had scared stalkers away for her and here she was treating me like one. I felt pretty D-list in that moment and then I realized that, hey, this girl is scared of dophins so maybe a spunky redhead is just a little too frightening for her.
I have to say I don't love Tyra as much as I used to. And sometimes it's not that great to meet your idols. I mean, you may not know it but in real life, Sharon Stone isn't the Mensa member she pretends to be.
And because of Matt's family, we had to come home early. So I spent one day in Mexico and even though it was short, I loved it. And even though the audience didn't really speak English, I loved it. And even though a Mexican drag queen accused me of stealing her blonde wig, I especially loved it!
So I'm going back as soon as I can, and if I see one of my idols on the plane, I'm still going to get up the nerve to say hi!

But the next trip is Joe's pub in NY at the end of February. And I want to change my act a little. Any suggestions???

I know I haven't written in weeks and it's just that Christmas makes me insane! Yes, I do love it. I put up Christmas lights and went to see the crazy Christmas lights at the LA Zoo. It's so funny, it's all these scenes of L.A. done in lights, including Elves filming a movie, a salute to William Mulholland who brought water to L.A., a pack of elves riding motorcycles trying to get away from a fire, zoo animals made of lights which included a monkey, a koala bear, a giraffe, a zebra and a dinosaur! It's been a long time since I've actually seen a dinosaur at the zoo.
And I went to this house in Alta Dena where every inch of this house in decorated with lights and wooden penguins and...dinosaurs again! And they dedicate all of this to the troops, which is very sweet in it's own whacked out way.
And Sunday was my Mom's Christmas party. Now I know most people when they think of their Mom's cooking it's probably like a turkey with mashed potatoes or a ham with yams or something. With my Mom, last year it was Kentucky Fried Chicken served on paper plates. I'm not kidding. We've tried to talk to her about it, but she thinks it's all fabulous. This year, my son did tell her that everyone wasn't too happy about the Kentucky Fried Chicken (I never would have been able to say it) so she figured that she wanted to make sure it was a great party so...she got Costco chicken and served it on paper plates. And even though she always insists that I have Diet Coke when she comes over, she was only serving Diet Orange generic soda.
The funny thing was, on the way to her house I figured I'd better stop and buy some wine because I just knew what was coming. So I stopped at a liquor store and ran into, of all people, Sean Young. Remember crazy Sean? She was thrown off the Warner Bros. lot for showing up wearing a Catwoman outfit when they were casting Batman and insisting that they see her for the part. I sort of love her for that.
Anyway, I'm checking out with my bottle of wine and I look over and see Sean Young and she's holding a blanket and there are two rabbit ears coming out of the blanket. And I said, "Is that a rabbit?" And Sean turns to me, very happy and says, "Yes, I found her." And she looks sort of nuts and so does the rabbit. It had big pink eyes and stared at me. So, not knowing quite what to say I said, "I guess the rabbit was a gift for you." And she smiled and said, "I didn't know I was a bunny person". Then she took her wine and left.
So that was my brush with Christmas crazy. And there's still a week left. How is this pre-Christmas season going for everyone else?

I've had the craziest couple of weeks, there is no way I could blog and I'm sorry. Parent teachers conferences, school fair, the Writer's Strike, getting a ticket for running a red light and driving through the Busway Line, and I got cast on the last episode of "C.S.I" before shut down for the writer's strike.
And I went in to shoot and it took FOREVER!!! I know they say that you sit around and wait on a set, but even the guy's on the show told me that they were going slow on purpose so that the crew would get paid for a whole day. Which was really nice of the producer's, but what about me?? I was exhausted by the end, but really excited to be on the show. And my scenes were with George Eads and Eric Szmanda and they were super cute so a day that was very long was NOT unbearable.
I know I mentioned that a few weeks ago I snapped the crown of my tooth in Phoenix? I did a whole show with my front tooth clinging on by only gum tissue, and then ended up getting a root canal as soon as I got home which was the same day as my son's birthday? Well, my dentist said the only way he could fix it was to give me an implant (and not the fun kind!) A TOOTH implant and I need 10 shots of novacaine.
But my big news is after many weeks, my record "Goddess in Progress" (which was originally released on vinyl!!! in the 80's) is now here. Meaning, I'm selling it on Ebay and my website. It has all the original songs, I Like em Big and Stupid, Cause I'm a Blonde, Will I make it through the 80's (I guess I did), Homecoming Queen's got A Gun, and Earth Girls are Easy are on it. Plus, bonus tracks I've never released before. Two of the songs I wrote with Gardner Cole, who wrote "Open Your Heart" for Madonna (FYI He said she stole half the publishing from him!) and the other songs are very 80's (Too Much Girl, Back in the Back Seat, Call Me for a Good Time, Surf's up So What?) Please remember that I was a mere child, like 14 or 15 when I recorded them. But I still love them and I hope the people that order them do too!
Oh, and by the way Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Love
Julie

Current mood: giddy
Category: Parties and Nightlife

This time of year is incredibly busy for me for two reasons, my son Dartanian's birthday and Halloween. Both seem to involve boatloads of work. As I told you Dartanian had a birthday on Oct. 21 but for some reason, kids end up with more than one party. And when he was really young, he had 3. The one with my family, the one at school and the one with his friends. Luckily, the school doesn't let you have birthday parties once they hit 6th grade so I'm off the hook for one party. But I had the party with my family while my tooth was hanging out, and last weekend he had his friend sleepover party.
Actually it was the 26th but I'm still recovering because I had 5 fourteen year old boys spend the night. And that's not as fun as it sounds. Dart (I'll just call him that now) begged me to let him play "Team America" for his friends. Now if you haven't seen it, it's the funniest and filthiest puppet movie ever. I told him he could do it if he fast forwards through the sex scene. He agreed. But when they got to the scene, they begged me, I mean begged me to let them see it. And they said it's just puppets, right? So I said okay, but told them not to tell their parents. That's good parenting, right? And when the puppet blow job came on, I just cringed. I'd forgotten about it. But they seemed okay afterwards, even though I wasn't sure what to think.
And of course we had to have a birthday cake, but Matt had the idea of making a "Kitty Littler Cake". This is a completely edible cake that looks exactly like a cat littler box. Right after the movie, he and his friend Andy staged a little scene in front of the boys. He entered the living room where the boys were sitting, holding the fake litterbox. And here's how the scene went:

Matt: Hey Julie, do you want me to empty this litter box? It's really gross.
Julie: Oh, yes please.
Andy walks across the room towards the littler box.
Andy: Wait, you're going to throw that out? But it's perfectly good.
Then Andy takes a piece of cat poop (melted Tootsie Rolls) and eats it.
The boys watched horrified.
Matt: Hey, it does look pretty good.
Matt scoops up a piece of "litter" with the rake and puts it in his mouth. he then turns to the boys and says, "It's really pretty good!"
This cake, along with a vision of puppets doing it "doggie style" made for a birthday party I don't think any of them will ever forget! If you have teenagers over, here's the recipe and believe me, it's a hit!

KITTY LITTER CAKE
1 spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 white cake mix
2 large pkg vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared (I like Bird's® dessert mix)
1 large pkg vanilla sandwich cookies
green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls®

1 new kitty litter pan
1 new plastic kitty litter pan liner
1 new pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).

Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Important: mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently.

Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/pudding/cookie mixture into the litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls bury them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly on top of everything -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat 3 Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around for a truly disgusting effect!

Yes, I'm such a good mother!

Okay, since I last wrote I have had the craziest, most insane two weeks. And now I know why Lindsey Lohan drinks!
I got back from Canada exhausted, because I haven´t had one weekend at home for 2 months, and I had two more weekends of shows.
The next Saturday I had to jump on a plane (crazy turbulence again) to San Francisco for the "Balls out Ball" -- a benefit for rugby players in San Francisco. The team is mostly gay but with a few straight players, and it was a blast. And soooo many cute guys, it was fantastic. So I´m on board for all other athletic events. And Ethyl Merman opened the show. Yeah, it was really just a kick ass drag queen, but I felt like I was watching "Annie get your Gun", I swear. But when Matt and I were about to go home, I was still so stressed from those flight up there and the the super turbulent Canadian flights, that we rented a car and drove.
And I thought okay, just one more weekend before I can rest and last weekend was a really important performance-the benefit for "Body Positive" the biggest AIDS benefit in the Southwest. But I thought I´m not getting on a plane again so Matt and I drove to Phoenix. I thought that was a good idea, but it is a long ass drive, through the desert.
We got there just in time to go to rehearsal and I found out this adorable gay boy band "Nemesis" was going to open for me. Well I was just about to go on and I was watching Nemesis from the wings and noticed that they took their shirts off in the middle of their act and the audience went nuts. I thought about doing that, but since the audience was mostly gay, I don´t think I´d get the same reaction.
So I´m backstage and I was setting my props and I couldn´t find my Frieda Kahlo eyebrow and I frantically ripped open another package of "eyebrows", when I suddenly felt my tooth snap. I have several crowns on my teeth and that was one of them. And it was only staying in my mouth attached by a small piece of gum tissue. So that´s how I did my whole show completely freaking out. It was the equivalent of being onstage in your underwear but I thought any moment my tooth would fly out of my head and I´d be an instant hillbilly.
Somehow I got through the show, but I didn´t do my encore "Shut up and F*ck Me" because every time I said an "F" I could feel the tooth vibrate. And I talked to fans afterwards, but I cut that short too. I begged people to find me a dentist and Saturday morning I found one who wanted to do a root canal. I said no because, I don´t know about you but a root canal in a strange city didn´t sound like a good idea. We drove home (7 hours), and the next day was my son Dartanian´s (not his real name) birthday. I put a birthday party together with my tooth clinging on by a thread then I called my dentist and begged him to help me and he met me at 8 at night and did a root canal. All so stressful, but he gave me a bottle of Vicodin so the story has a happy ending! Am I Lindsey Lohan or what?!!!

I just got back from Canada and I can't tell you how happy I am to be home. Yes, Canada is so f**king gorgeous, and everyone is so sweet, but it was really hard to live without hot sauce (they thought I was insane when I asked for it) and HBO (Yes they have it, but not in the hotel) and green money. They have this incredibly beautiful colored money with the Queen of England on it, but it seems like Monopoly money so I spent way too much on everything. Is $20 too much for frozen yogurt? And they don't have dollar bills, they have a coin called "The Loony"-which has a loony bird on it, and a two dollar coin that they call "The Toony". I mean, it's so whimsical and cute but I never knew what I was spending.
And, okay here's a really weird thing and you're all going to think I'm a loony, but didn't feel very attractive in Canada. And I've noticed that in certain parts of the world, I'm prettier than in others. I think it's the light. I went to Niagara Falls with Dartanian on our last day, and we let a tourist take a picture of us. Huge mistake because in the photo I was a complete beast. I deleted the picture immediately so there's no evidence of it. Maybe you only look good there if you're a waterfall. Because if Niagara Falls was a woman, she'd be Jessica Alba.
I am totally foxy in Hawaii, but in Columbus Ohio I was kind of pale and looked fat. Chicago I was only okay, New York, not bad but can't go out without makeup, but now that I'm back in LA, I feel way more gorgeous. Oh yeah, I went to Paris several years ago, and I was very Lesley Carron in "Gigi". But when we changed planes in England in the airport bathroom I was puffy Rene Zellwegger in "Bridget Jones". Is that crazy?
Michael has told me I should answer questions from fans so this is probably a good time to answer one of my favorite ones. It's from Jim Mills of York PA. And he asked, "Julie, how is it that you stay as young and fresh as you did in the Reagan years? Well, first of all Jim, thank you so much. So I've compiled a list of my "staying young? do's and don'ts.

1. Don't go to Canada
2. Don't smoke. Sure it looks cool, but when I went to my high school reunion and I saw the girl who tried to get me to smoke I noticed that her skin had the same texture as the Prada bag I bought to impress people. Leather...good for purse-bad for face.
3. Don't buy fashion magazines. The models will just depress you. Even though you know that in reality they're all pimply fourteen year olds who've been airbrushed to death, you will still get suicidal when can't squeeze into your former "fat" jeans.
4. Do buy the Star's "Celebrity Cellulite" issue. This will always make your feel better about yourself. My mother and I always get this issue and read it while having lunch at Taco Bell. Because just seeing Melanie Griffith's ass in a bikini will always make you feel fine about ordering ng that second chimicanga.
5. Do have lots of sex. Even if you're not in the mood, it's good for keeping away those pesky parenthesis lines from around your mouth.
6. Watch Oprah. No matter how fat or skinny she is at any moment, she always has fabulous shoes. This will teach to accentuate the positive.
7. Embrace plastic surgery. I haven't had it yet, but I can't wait. So do the research now before you need it. I think we've all see the results of some actress saying, "Quick I need to look ten years younger before the Emmy's." And FYI, a plastic surgeon with an office in a strip mall is not the best choice.
8. Being "real" is overrated. Fake is great. It works for smiles and boobs and hair and can get you through many situations. (Okay, I dropped the do's and don'ts part, but you get the idea.)
9. Thin is overrated. I mean, look at the Olsen Twins, or "Thing 1 and Thing 2 as I sometimes call them. How can guy even sleep with them? One good pelvic thrust would turn their bones to dust. Or does anyone remember Lara Flynn Boyle? That skinny girl from "The Practice"? I don't think so, but the chubby Camryn Mannheim seems to be everywhere.
10) Don't sleep with anyone too much younger than you. Sure, they're cute and adorable and after a few drinks, it might seem like a good idea. But once the sex is over, hearing about someone's career aspirations and how much they love cleaning your pool will only annoy you.
So there you have it, my beauty secrets. And feel free to ask me more questions or send me and tips or names of good doctors!

Okay, so after a 36 hour trip to LA, I'm back in Canada for the final week of shooting. I had a great, amazing time in LA. Because Screen Actors Guild makes them fly you first class, i sat in the plane and watched movies and episodes of Entourage and got salmon-and the flight was super smooth and it was fantastic.
Then Matt picked me up at the airport, and he was wearing a suit and holding a sign that said, "Hottie Redhead", like a limo driver. Is that not the cutest, sweetest thing in the world? I was blown away. He's so romantic and adorable, and of course this lead to crazy sex when we got home-I just don't know how I got so lucky.
And I got my son Dartainian (not his real name) and we got back on the plane. But SAG only makes the production company pay for 1 first class ticket, I had to pay for this trip for Dart ( I'll just call him that now in the blog) so we went coach. But I'd only flown first lass on Air Canada and it was so nice I thought coach would be cool too. They didn't serve us anything to drink for like 2 hours, and my son was so thirsty I went back to get him water and the stewardess got mad and said, "That was my water". But worse than that, it was so turbulent because they were "avoiding a storm", but I felt like they were actually flying right through it. I pretty much spent the whole flight just praying. I know that planes almost never crash and its the safest form of travel, yadda, yadda, yadda, but none of that means anything when the plane is being bounced around and even the stewardesses have to be in their seat belts. I always think I'm the only person who flips out in that situation, but they never take a show of hands of who's ready to puke? Or who's ready to only travel by train for the rest of their lives? Because at that moment, I'd be at the head of that line.
But we made it and we're in Toronto at the studio which is way different than the woods, which I now miss. I mean, the leaves were changing right when I left and I didn't realize that I'd kind of fallen in love with Canada. Not enough to ever get on a plane and come here again, but sort of in a mental way. The way you love dancing to Madonna, but you'd never actually see her in a movie again. You just know if you go, you're in for a lot of pain.
Dart and I have to be on the set all day because we're filming the "Final Jam" in the movie for the whole week, and maybe he'll be an extra dancing next to me. Not because he cares about acting at all (I've brainwashed him the best I can) but it would be fun to always have the memory of being with him in Toronto on film.
P.S. This was written on Tuesday morning and I couldn't post it until Wednesday night because I had no internet! Will update tomorrow if I can!
love
julie

Okay, I'm starting to lose it in Canada. I miss my son Dartanian (not his real name) so much. And I miss Matt so much and even though Canada is incredibly beautiful and everyone is so f***ing nice, I want to go home! So I'm going home this weekend for like 36 hours, having sex with Matt, picking up Dartanian and coming back for the last week of the movie, which is going to be shot in Toronto! Yeah! Where there are malls, and when you order iced coffee they don't look at you like you're a circus freak.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, because being here has been amazing. And I think this movie is going to be a really amazing teen musical. And Paradise Falls was hilarious. But it's really hard to be entertained by just beautiful scenery, and laying a trap for raccoons so I can get a picture for my son (no such luck) and visiting all the fantastic chiropractors of Canada.
My back sort of went out, I think from lugging around the laptop. I'm used to traveling on all my performing gigs with Matt who is big and strong, and more importantly willing to carry my stuff. Which is one of the reason I looooove him! And I had to visit the chiropractor in Gravenhurst and in Lindsey-small towns in Canada. I had no idea what to expect from the doctors, but they were both amazing. And they gave me tips on how to carry things things like "Get a roadie". Isn't that weird?
Meanwhile, Michael and I are working on the "Goddess" re-release and the bonus tracks are a few tracks I didn't release and a few demos that I went ahead and mastered. And now I'm having second thoughts about 2 of the songs. They're all from the 80's and maybe you guys should tell me if it's a good idea to release all six or just the best ones. It's confusing cause they're songs from the past. Two or possibly three of them were written with Gardner Cole who wrote "Open Your Heart" for Madonna. And then he told me she insisted on songwriting credit. Isn't that pushy of her-what a surprise!
Oh, the Justin Tanner play I was in "Space Therapy" got nominated for an Ovation Award for best Premiere of a new play. He's really an amazing writer and I'm so happy for him. That's actually how I met Matt. I was in Justin's play "Oklahomo" and Mary Sheer brought Matt to meet me.
Anyway, I'm kind of rambling. I think it's Canada. My brain is going numb. Canada is like talking to a big, really gorgeous boy with a pet moose. Sure, he's pretty, but after you make out for a while, then take a picture of him with his moose, you really just want to go home.
I added photos (in both photo sections) of the guys on "Paradise Falls" and a pic of the amazing Canada. And one of an old woman walking in front of "The Beaver Theater". Yes, it's for real.

I just got back to "Camp Rock". I was working for 3 days on a Canadian soap opera/sit com called "Paradise Falls" and even though I've never seen the show, the 4 scripts I was in were so funny I couldn't believe it. And the show just got picked up by "Here TV!" which is on of the gay cable channels in the United States, so soon we'll all be able to see it. And the part I had couldn't have been more different from my part on "Camp Rock". Here's the description of my character: Mimi Van Lux. (Professional name. Real name Lizbeth Ramsey. Mimi is a piece of work a Diva who considers hersle a serious film director. As a two time winner of the coveted "vixen" award (a Lucite butt plug mounted on a pedestal) Mimi prides herslef on directing adult movies with strong charcters,, interesting storylines and her trademark sex toys. She started as a stripper, did a few x-rates movies herlsef, the moved behind the scenes doing genreal office work and some light fluffing.

And here's some of my dialogue:

MIMI:
The movie is called, "Lumberjack-offs". Or "Ocean's Eleven Inches". I haven't decided yet. Do you have a roulette wheel?

(TO COLIN THE COOK AT THE B&B WHERE MIMI IS SHOOTING)

MIMI:
Here's a list of the actor's dietary requirments. Scotty is strictly no-carb high protein. Tyler is all raw food. And not too much fiber because it throws an anal scene completely off schedule!

Let's compare that with my monologue as Dee Le Duke, the camp counselor on "Camp Rock."

DEE:
Okay, kids. I'm the head councelor and are you ready to rock? Alright! How did I get this job? Well, when I was your age I followed the band Air Supply around the country. I was one of the original air-heads! Let's party!

Can you believe I did both these parts in one week? And I don't think I told you that even though I wrote the original drafts on "Camp Rock", Disney had other people do the rewrite so a lot of my dialogue, which was more edgy, isn't anymore. Oh well.

But on "Paradise Falls" I got to do scenes with cute guys who were actually naked. It was amazing, I could't believe I was getting paid for it. I took pictures (not of the actual nudlity-that would just be rude) and I'm going to put pictures of the guys on my website as soon as I can figure out how to download pictures off my new camera (birthday present from Matt).

I also got to work with Salvatore Antonio who is the genius star of "Paradise Falls" and my new best friend. He's just so talented and adorable and funny. He told me this story some of his friends told him about when they worked with Cybill Shepherd on the Martha Stewart movie. She was coming out of her trailer in the morning and she didn't think anyone was around and she said to herself, "Fuck, I'm gorgeous!" Which is now what I'm going to say to myself every morning and I may just put on a tee shirt.

And I'm still working on the tee shirts, but it's been hard to do it since I've been in Canada with pretty much no cell phone reception and very limited internet. But as soon as I get back, I'm doing going to make those. Meanwhile, Michael, my awesome assistant is working on the reissue of "Goddess in Progress", my Rhino Record from the 80's-which will now include 6 bonus tracks (Michael's fab idea!) And I was planning on having that ready by the end of September, but now it's probably going to be the middle of October. Will keep you updated on that. I thought I was going to be able to write more often but damn it's hard to blog in the wilderness with naked guys running around!

I know you're probably wondering what the hell happened to me? Did I fall off the face of the earth? Well I sort of went crazy getting ready to leave the country and go to Canada and do the Disney movie and here's why.

Remember the insane Bat Mitzvah? Well as soon as it was over I couldn't find my wallet-which had my license in it. And we checked the temple and the country club and it was just missing. Then I found out that Alan's wallet (the Bat Mitvah Dad) missing too. So I assumed at that point mine was stolen by that scary women Pussbubble.

Okay so you can cancel your credit cards, which is no big deal but...they took my license. And I was leaving the country on Sunday and you NEED a photo idea. Now you're saying, "What about a passport Julie?"

I applied for one two weeks ago, but the passport office is so backed up they only give you a receipt which (along with your photo ID) will allow you to get into Canada. But now didn't have the ID. So I called the DMV special emergency ID line and begged a really sweet guy named Jerry to send me a photo copy of my license. But I also called the airlines and the Canadian consulute and they said as long as I had a birth certificate and a photo I could get in the country. But when I looked for my birth certificate, all I had was one from the hospital ...and that doesn't count!

Meanwhile, I got offered another acting job while I'm in Canada which couldn't be more diferent than the Disney job. I get to play a woman named Mimi De Lux who used to b a stripper and now direct male porn on a show called "Paradise Falls" which has been on Canadian TV and is going to be on HereTV in the U.S. So if I can't get into Canada I've lost two jobs!

Are you thinking, why so paranoid Julie? Well, when I was was 21 and flew to England to perform-and they kicked me out because I didnt havea work permit. So I had history for my paranoia. So..what to do? By the time I found all this out I had one business day, Friday to drive to the country registrar's office which is like in Norwalk (I know, where the hell is that?) and I got there at 8 in the morning and begged this really nice woman to give me an emergency birth certificate. She said she'd see if she could find it and I should come back by 12:30. So there I was in Norwalk flipping out so of course while I was waiting I went to the Target down the street andtried on clothes that didn't fit. But finally I got my birth certificate so I was thinking I had a real shot of not getting kicked out of Canada now.
Then, on Saturday afternoon, in the well of the the door of Matt's car....my wallet appeared with everything in it! So Pussbubble didn't steal it!

So now I'm in the woods in Canada and it's beatiful and a lot like "Welcome to Mooseport" in the day and like Blair Witch at night, but I swear tomorrow I'll write more about the movie but I can only use the internet in the lobby and I can't walk here from my room in the dark because I swear it's way to scary. P.S. if there are any pre-teen girls reading this....I met Joe Jonas and shook his hand! Don't you want to be me? And if you're over 15 and saying, "Who's Joe Jonas?" just remember back to when you first heard about the Duran Duran!

The last time I wrote I was on my way to celebrate my birthday and go to my boyfriend's best friends daughter's Bat Mitzvah in San Francisco. And I've never been to a Bat Mitzvah so I had no idea what to expect.
We stayed at the Niko which is a Japanese hotel and it's beautiful. The lobby is all white marble like a masoleum and it has strange lamps made of fabric that look just like Pokemon. And there's a Starbuck's in the lobby so I was in heaven.
But as soon as we got there, I panicked. What does someone wear to a Bat Mitzvah? It's an ancient, mystical Jewish ceremony so I probably should wear something by a Jewish designer, but who? Then I realized...of course...Madonna! She's been studying the Kabbala no designer is more mystical or more Jewish or than she is, right? So I raced over to the H & M store, because she designs for them and bought a cute jacket and skirt knowing that this is probably what Madonna wears in temple.
The ceremony was beautiful, even though I and the Bat Mitzvah girl was perfect as far as I could tell. I don't speak a lick of Hebrew, but she seemed to know what she was talking about. Her parents were proud and the day was perfect until we got to this gorgeous country club where the reception was being held and then, the sh@t hit the fan. At least for me.
Now 99.9% of the time my fans are so sweet and nice and complimentary whenever they come up to me in a restaurant or an adult book store. But every so often I meet...Psychofan! And that's who I ran into at the Bat Mitzvah.
This woman who was vaguely related to the Bat Mitzvah girl (cousin of the Aunt or lovechild of the uncle?) ran up to me and "You're Julie Brown" aren't you?" I shyly said "Yes" and she started screaming, "I love you, I love you! I am not worthy!" And she got on her knees and started bowing to me, like Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World.
She said her name was either "Patricia" or "Puss-bubble", I forget, but she knew everything I'd ever done and grilled me with questions like, "Are you still in touch with Jennifer Aniston? Why doesn't she put you in her movies? Did you feel fat standing next to that tall Geena Davis? Did Comedy Central cancel Stripmall cause it was gross and not funny?" Then she suddenly screamed, "Kids, get over here!" Puss-bubble's kids (who were being homeschooled by her) came over and stared at me like Children-of-the-Corn as their mother ordered them to stand next to me. Then she started snapping photos screaming for them to "Smile!" which they clearly didn't know how to do.
I quickly said, "Um, excuse me I have to go to the ladies room" and sprinted away. But when I came out of the bathroom she was there and snapped another picture of me pulling my H & M skirt down.
Once we were eating I thought I was safe because she wasn't seated at my table. Wrong.
She came over and took a picture of my food before I ate it and then when I was eating desset, I saw one of her Children-of-the-Corn standing behind me. I looked up and Puss-bubble snapped another photo and I expect that these pictures will be available on E-bay right now. Please do not buy them.
Now I was scared of her. I told Matt what was going on and for him to please keep her away from me so when everyone started dancing the hora, he grabbed my hand. But Puss-bubble cut in!
You're probably thinking I should have told her to f@ck off, and I was starting too when she suddenly said, "You seem upset. It's your career isn't it? Listen, I have a niece who's plays one of the Green Army Men in a stage show at DisneyWorld. I'll give you her number and maybe she can get you a job?"
I was about to bitchslap Puss-bubble when luckily one of her spooky children was caught stealing Bat Mitzvah gifts and she had to run off to solve that crisis.
I was pretty rattled, but I did my best to shake it off. No one said being a celebrity is easy, right? And most of my fans are sane, lovely obviously brilliant people. And I wasn't going to let one Psychofan ruin my weekend.
So that night Matt and I had dinner at this gorgeous restaurant and made out on the Wharf and the weather was perfect. I guess it's like the song from "The Facts of Life". "You take the good, you take the bad, blah blah blah blah, the Facts of Life" right?

Okay, today I had to get a physical for the Disney movie. They always make you take one for insurance reasons. I guess so that they at know ahead of time if you're taking drugs or if you're going to have a mental breakdown on the set. But speaking of mental breakdowns, while I was walking to the doctor's office (which is on Hollywood Blvd.) I suddenly came across Cecily Tyson's star. I couldn't believe it. As you may know from a previous blog, she was a total psycho to work with and there was Miss Jane Pittman's star. And I remember that when I had dinner with Louise Fletcher she told me that she didn't have a star. Can you believe it?
But she explained that when she won the Oscar for Cuckoo's Nest they told her she could get one but she would have to pay $2500. And her then husband thought that was bullshit, so she didn't get one. But a few years ago her son said "Mom you really should have one" so she checked into it and now you have to pay $25,000 for your star. Isn't that insane?
So I'm saving up for one. But I passed my physical and now I'm off to do the movie. But I had an audition for Boston Legal for this part that was only going to work one day next week. And I like that show a lot so I thought, okay this is great.
And I walk in and there's like 25 people in the room and Eric Stoltz is directing. Remember him from "The Mask"? Wait, wasn't Jim Carrey in "The Mask?" Whatever, I know the fabulous Cher played his Mom before she did the first of her Final Farewell Tours. But he was really disgusting in that movie and now, he's totally cute. I mean really cute.
And he said it was good, and gave me some notes and I did the audition twice. And I was having like a two minute crush on him when I suddenly realized that I could never be with another redhead because we'd be like weird red-headed people. And we'd have red-headed children and then we'd be like a family of clowns or Irish people. And he said "Thank you" but I'd already mentally broken up with him. And surprisingly, I didn't get the part!
But that's okay because my hunky boyfriend Matt is taking to me to San Francisco tomorrow for my birthday. That's right, tomorrow is my birthday. I'm going to be 31. I know my profile says 18, but that's just a lie.
But I'm really excited because Matt is totally adorable and it's such a romantic city, and to make it even more exciting, Matt's best friends daughter is having her Bat Mitzvah. I've never been to one, so I'm hoping to catch the bouquet! Wish me luck!

Okay, I have to tell you how much fun Squalon turned out to be, but first I have to tell you about getting ready for it. I was in Bed Bath and Beyond, looking for candles and linen napkins (That's so hostessy, right?) and I suddenly look up and see...Robert Blake! I'm not kidding. And he's heading for the knife section. And, he's wearing a woman's hat with a big bow on it. I'm not kidding. I ran to find Matt who was looking for barbeque equipment and said, "Drop those hot dog tongs you have to see Robert Blake.
So we wandered over to where he was looking at throw pillows, and right down the aisle were slipcovers. So I stood there, pretending and said, really loud, "Hey Matt, I'd sure like to find a good slipcover for the couch." Real, sly-like.
But this knuckle-head who was standing right next to me said, "They're right there". I wanted to say to him, "Hey you jerk, I'm just trying to stare at Robert Blake. Don't blow my cover." And Robert Blake looked up and I had to pretend to be really interested in a plaid couch cover that you attach with big ties like a bathrobe. As if!
We decided to leave him alone with his cushions because we had like no time to shop for the party. I always try not to do things last minute, but I always do.
I did make the Play-doh animal cookies, and the alone person who ate one was my brother. I watched him, waiting for him to gag or choke (see previous Blog) but he started eating a brownie at the same time. When I told him that he'd just eaten Play-doh, he said he didn't notice cause the brownie was so good. How can someone not know they're eating Play-doh? Only someone in my family.
But the food was so good, mostly because we had everyone else bring it. I recommend this if you're doing a party, because just cleaning your house is enough work to kill you.
The guest list was Matt, my brother Paul, Mary Sheer, Rae Dawn Chong, my friend Richard and his girlfriend Allison who made insane key lime pie (I pretended that we ate it all, but kept some to eat later) and Sam Irvin and his boyfriend Gary and my friends, Linda, Andy, Scott, Diana, Michael and Katy. I hung Christmas lights all over my backyard and we ate al fresco and it was fantastic.
And Scott fell in the pool and Richard talked about the night Charles Nelson Riley tried to put the moves on him when he was a wide-eyed theater student. It was fabulous and I won't do it again for at least 6 months because it's exhausting. And the clean up has taken 2 and half days. How does Martha Stewart do it?

I don't know if it's because I've started blogging, but now my acting career is just insane. I had to wait until it was official, but I'm going to play the camp counselor in "Camp Rock" the movie I wrote for Disney!
My brother and I wrote the part for me, and so it sounds like I should automatically get it, right? But you still have to go through a lot of approvals once they green light the movie, and the director has to like you. And now I'm going to Toronto for 4 weeks to do the part and Disney is saying that they want the movie to be the next "High School Musical"! God, I hope so. So I'll keep blogging when I'm in Canada and let you all know how it's going.
I was kind of freaked out to leave my son that long, but then I realized, hey, it's a Disney movie, why can't he go with me? So I asked the producer and now my son Dartanian (not his real name) is going to come for the last week of shooting and be an extra. He's completely into it.
The only bad part is I can't perform at the Folsom Street Leather Festival on Sept. 30. I really wanted to and I'd already bought this really cool leather dress, but I can't do both, and hopefully they'll forgive me and have me back next year. But I'm going to take the dress and try and wear it in the Disney movie. Why waste a perfectly good leather dress, right?
And I wanted to report to you about my party, Squalon. The planning is going very well. One person wrote to me and suggested I make food out of Play-doh and I thought that was so funny. So I'm going to make a few animal cookies (you know those pink and white ones with sprinkles?) out of Play-doh and I'll let you know how that goes.
And as far as the guest list, well I've been trying to get ahold of Rae Dawn Chong all week to invite her and I finally found her number. Let me explain, when I was first dating Matt we went on a trip to San Francisco and we stopped at a Jack-in-the-Box in the desert and suddenly Rae Dawn Chong came up to me and we started talking. I've never met her before, but she was totally adorable and she was by herself driving a station wagon to Alaska. I loved her and I thought, if I ever have a dinner party I'm going to invite her. Matt said, "Is this what it's like to date you? We just run into celebrities in random places?" I said "no", but then the very next week we ran into Valerie Bertinelli in Ralph's. So I guess it does happen sometimes.
But I'm very excited that Rae is coming to my party. Along with Mary Sheer (from "Mad TV") and Richard Wenk (who wrote "16 Blocks") and Cheri Oteri and my brother and best friend Linda and some of Matt's friends.
So today I have to clean my house and get passports for Dartanian and I. And if anyone has anymore cool food ideas, let me know!
love,
julie

You guys have been sooo helpful with these lines. I'm still compiling them, but I would have NEVER remembered them without your help. Or where some of the lines came from. And this is not drug induced memory loss, more like sleep-deprived. But I'm going to pick the 3 I'll use on tee shirts and let you know.
I'm also going crazy trying to get the master together for my re-release of "Goddess in Progress" my Rhino album from the 80's. It orginally had only 5 songs, but my assistant Michael told me that I should include bonus tracks (since he found some that I never released) and I thought it was a great idea. Then I brought the tracks to this recording guy in Glendale and he he's almost done mastering them, but then he started saying things like his Mom is sick, the dog ate my tape, and becasue I didn't want to go all Kimora Lee Simmons on him, I'm trying to be patient. But for people who are waiting, I'm hoping, praying I have that record by the end of September.
Okay, after finishing my work on "Waverly" (that's what I call it now) I sort of have a week off, so I'm planning at dinner party. Or rather a Squalon. Why am I calling it you ask? Well my Hunky Boyfriend Matt (he prefers I call him that, but he is! ) and I wanted to have a "salon" last year. You know where people have dinner and say really witty things, you know like you imagine they have in Paris and New York? You know, like the kind of party David Bowie and Iman would have?
But we felt pretentious calling it a salon so we started calling it Spongebob Squalon. Now it's just Squalon. And people didn't exactly say witty things at the last one. One girl talked about how she was possessed when she took photos in a graveyard -because she didn't ask permission of the spirits. Then our smart ass friend Robert said he felt possessed by the chicken we served because he didn't ask permission of the chicken to eat it. And my brother choked on a piece of sausage and I had to heimlich him. And then another friend got furious when I said Taylor Hicks was the new Kenny Rodgers. It wasn't exactly the sophisticated dinner party I had hoped for.
So we're going to try Squalon again this Saturday. Because being cool, as Paula Abdul has taught us, is something you have to keep working at. No matter how many times you fall off your high heels into the gutter. Any serving suggestions?

7:23 PM

I know I posted the last blog twice (actually I posted in 4 times) but it kept saying it wasn't working. And then I looked and it was posted over and over and people had already made comments. I'm a computer-tard! But I'll get the hang of it.
I finished shooting the Wizards of Waverly Place, and I had the best time. It was one of the nicest sets I've ever worked on. The script was funny (even though they cut my "I haven't been on a trip with a man in ten years!" line) and the kids on the show were really talented and professional. No Lindsey Lohans! And I got to play a teacher so I hope I get to come back next season.
It's so funny that the experience of doing a show is really colored by the personalities of the people working on it. Like the movie I'm in that's been on Showtime for the last 3 months, "Fat Rose and Squeaky", I thought it was going to be this really sweet, "Trip to Bountiful" kind of movie. There are only 5 actresses in it and it starred Oscar winner Louise Fletcher and Cecily Tyson (actually I think she has Emmy's). And it was about two women growing old and their friendship. And the other two actresses were Lea Delaria and Jo Anderson. I remember thinking that is was going to be kind of this cool, girl-bonding experience. Wrong!
Cecily Tyson is a psycho who insists that you call her Ms. Tyson, and then after the rehearsal you can only call her her character name. And she had this assistant who would run around and tell us all how we had to treat Cecily and then she got Lea and I kicked out of our dressing room because she wanted it.
Then Jo Anderson (I know you're saying "who?") wouldn't eat her food unless they brought her special fish and every day she got in a fight with the makeup girl who threatened to beat her up. And then Lea got upset that Cecily got her pick of dressing rooms and she had her agent kick me out of my dressing room. I only put up with this because the director Sam Irvin (who's brilliant by the way) was a really good friend of mine and the movie was really low budget so I wanted him to be able to finish it without the whole thing grinding to a halt. But not all the women were nuts. Louise Fletcher is amazing and funny and sweet and an amazing actress who I'm still friends with and had dinner with last month. So you just never know what it's going to be like when you jump into a project.
Love you all!

I've gotten so many great comments about lines for tee shirts and it's really helping me. This "Comment Whoring" thing actually works. So I'll probably figure out which ones I'm going to use next week and let you know but thank you everyone who's commented and keep the suggestions coming!

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I was working and I couldn't get to a computer! I've
been playing a an art history teacher who's freaking out because she hasn't been with a man in 10 years (can you imagine!!) on the Disney show "The Wizards of Waverly Place." It's a totally cute family show and I love it! Earlier in the week I had dialogue where I despartely said I was about to take my first trip with a man in ten years, but they cut that dialogue (I guess cause it's a family show) but the showrunner told me to just play that as my subtext. That's actress-talk, and I am acting up a storm!
And I've been checking my comments and email and I've gotten such fantastic suggestions for sayings on tee-shirts, that I'm going to have to do several. But it's hard to pick, so I'm posting all of them and I want you to tell me your favorites. I'll pick the top three. My assistant Michael said this is "Comment Whoring" but I'm kind of a slut, so I'm doing it anyway!
Here are the suggestions: (And I wrote down what they're from)

Wink Martindale tried to bop me... (Medusa)

"Debi, why'd you do it?" She raised her head, smiled and said, "Aurrghh, I did if for Johnny!"

When they say "last Call" I start shopping for a neanderthal!!! (Big and Stupid)

I like 'em Big and Stupidi! (Trapped in the body of a White Girl)

Where is my kitchen gun? (Just say Julie

Don't waste it, let me taste it! (The Edge)

It just lays there, like a bored hooker! (Medusa)

Are you having a really bad period? (Homecoming Queen's got a gun)

Don't you wish you were me? (Earth Girls are Easy)

It's so hard to be me! (Medusa)

I'm a lover and a fighter, B*$TCH! (Girl fight tonight)

Go clean a bed pan, I am not dead! (Amore passion skit from The Edge-I completely forgot about this one)

Umm, that sounds hot. Tell me more. CLICK. (Jessica Han Loveline skit from The Edge)

This Month's Miss August!(Cause I'm a blonde)

"Who's Johnny?" (Homecoming Queen)

I'm a Blonde. B-L...I don't know! (Cause I'm a blonde)

Welcome to the Gerbil! (Just say Julie)

Oh, oh, Living on a Prarie dog! (Just say Julie)

That night, my muffin got a standing ovation.

He used to stick a doughnut in his finger and wink at me. Too many cruellers! (Medusa)

I can't spell VW, but I got a Porsche!(Cause I'm a blonde)

Stop it Debbie, you're embarrassing me! (Homecoming queen)

Use the deep crevice attachment...( I don't even know what that's from!)

A model's brain! (With a picture of me holding a piece of chewing gum from the Model episode of Just say Julie)

(Under a picture of me as Carney Wilson and the rest of Wilson Phillips) Oh My God, I'm gonna have to eat these two other girls to survive!

There go your man panties! (Just say Julie)

I'm a Beauty Queen, just like Julie Brown! (with a picture of me in a tiara and the back could have the acceptance speech from Cause I'm a blonde) "Just being chosen as This month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember as long as I can! AND/OR Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian because I love children!

You will mount me and I will scream like rebel extremists are gouging out my eyes! (I don't have any idea when or where I said this, but I like it!)

"Earth Girls are Easy" with a little Julie head between "Earth Girls" and "Are Easy".

This is a very long comment whoring blog and I can't wait to see what you say. And thank you EVERYONE who made suggestions. I love you all!

Julie

First, I want to start off by saying that so many people have been writing to me since I've been doing this blog and saying the sweetest, nicest things...you make a girl want to cry!! I love and appreciate all of you!
Okay, I can't tell you how many times people have said to me, "Has your son seen your work?" And I say, "Not really". But I know that they're wondering how does someone who went down on a watermelon (in "Medusa - Dare to be Truthful") show their child what they do for a living?
I usually say, "Well, I've shown him a few things. Like "Earth Girls are Easy" and recently a few "Just say Julie's, but mostly I haven't. Because I'm his mother and I want him to be old enough to handle it and not need too much therapy.
And probably when Dartanian (not his real name) was like 4, I showed him the "Salute to Animals" episode of "Just say Julie", where a shark bites my hand off, and he went nuts. He started crying and freaking out and when I showed him that I still had my hand, he demanded to know "Who's idea was that?" Which seemed like a weird question, but I just made something up. I said, "It was Bob's idea!" He said, "I hate that Bob! I hate that Bob!
Well, the whole thing kind of traumatized me so I figured I would let him be away at college before he ever saw me as Madonna on "The Edge" where she was making a new video with her "gyno-cam". I sort of resigned myself to the idea that he just can't see what I do. But...I jut got a part on a Disney channel show, "The Wizards of Waverly Place" as one of the teachers. It's coming on in the fall and I couldn't be more excited. And...drum roll I found out that a Disney Channel movie I wrote with my brother Paul, called "Camp Rock" is getting made. How cool is that? I'm on the Disney Channel!!! I can show my work to Dartanian!!! Life is good.
Also, I'm thinking of making tee shirts to sell on my website because people keep asking me to do it, but I'm not sure what to write on them. So if anyone has any favorite lines from any of my songs or work, remind me. I swear I forget them. I'll post all of them, and whoever sends me one that I end up using, they'll get a free tee shirt!

My 13 year old son didn't go to camp today and I told him I'd take him to see a movie. And then I said that if I write about him in my blog I don't want to use his real name, so what should I call him? He said "Popo the dog boy". I refused and he refused to come up with something else. So I said, "Okay fine, I'm just going to call you Dartanian". He said "fine." This is so typical teenage boy.
So Dartanian said the only movies he would see are "Transformers"...again (God help me) or "Hot Rod". This is where a gay son would have come in handy because I wanted to see "No Reservations" or "Hairspray". Because I'm really anxious to see John Travolta in a dress. I mean, you know it was the role he was born to play.
It's funny, in the 70's he was sex-on-a-stick. ANYONE would have done him. And now he's perfect as Edna Turnblatt! (See kids, this is what Scientology and and addiction to puff pastries will get you!)
Well, Dartanian and I loved "Hot Rod". And even though it sounds like a porno movie, it's not. It's about a kid who wants to be a stunt man, but it has lots of stupid humor and I just love that. Dummies crashing into thing? Count me in! So I actually recommend it, especially if you have to entertain a 13 year old.
Yesterday I noticed that Erin Moran (Joanie from "Happy Days") was one of my friends on MYSpace. She looks amazing by the way. I got really excited because I love her and I wrote and asked if she remembered when I was on the camping episode of Happy Days? She was very sweet and said she was sorry doesn't remember and she wasn't in that episode. But she and her husband know me from MTV and Earth Girls are Easy.
Well, I was pretty sure I did meet her on the set, and then I remembered that while I was shooting the show, one of my moron friends had given me a tiny, celebratory bag of coke. (Please remember this was the 80's and we all did things we're embarrassed about right? Like making out with James Woods in the bathroom at the Gingerman when I was the hostess!! I know!!)
So I was a little "coked out" on Happy Days and even though I'm not in any 12 step program, I deeply apologize.

So I last told you about my quest for the Laura Bush wig so I could do my new song, "To stop this stupid war, I'll gladly be a whore!" to be sung as Laura Bush. I'd been to three stores, coudn't find one as was considering buying a Donal Trump wig-which was the closet I could find to Laura Bush. So I thought, "I'll just tell the audience to imagine horrible helmet hair." But then my friend Barry ( who has hundreds of wigs) called me up and said to come over. So I raced to drop my son off at my ex's, race across town for the wig so I could get to Akbar to do a sound check on my song.
And remember, this is the first time I was going to sing this song so I was nervous. I get to the Akbar, and they've moved it to the back room because there are going to be so many people tonight because it's the first anniversary. And I'm thinking, "Should I be doing new material?" But it was too late, this is the disc I brought and I think, hey, it'll be fine. You have to tell yourself that a lot as a performer or you'd just run into traffic before the show.
So I do my sound check, Bruce Daniels is so sweet and laughs during the rehearsal even though I forgot a few words. But luckily I'll have the words written down in my Reader's Digest bible that I'm taking onstage. And then Bruce tells me that another girl is going to be doing Hilary Clinton and she's going on first. I think, "Well maybe that's kind of funny, two first ladies at the Anniversary show."
The audience is piling in and it's packed and I'm starting to get nervous. And I'm sitting backstage in a little ruffled blouse and my Laura Bush wig and Margaret Cho comes backstage. And she looks fabulous. She's thin and her hair is adorable and I found out she's going on right after Bruce's set (which was amazing by the way) and we all have to follow her.
She goes on and I can hear the audience just loving her as I wait backstage. And maybe it was because I'm in my little helmet hair wig and my makeup kind of sucks because I had to put in on in the men's room at the Akbar and the fact that I'd been up since 5:30 because I had to get my son to summer camp so I'm tired and cranky, but right now, I just hated Margaret Cho. Because she's thin and brilliant and didn't have to get up at 5:30!!!
So I go on and I do my song, and I did refer to the lyrics in the Bible a few times even though I knew them, but I just didn't want to forget them. And it went okay and I'm happy I did it because I learned things about that bit-- still it's hard to make yourself do something that you're not sure of.
But the audience was really fantastic to all the comedians and even though performing can make me insane, I'll be back there next week to try new stuff! Am I crazy? And Happy Anniversary to the Akbar!

Tonight I'm performing my Laura Bush song, "To stop this stupid war, I'll gladly be a whore!" for the first time at the Akbar in Silverlake. I'm nervous about it because it is the first time (and first times are always nervewracking!) And I don't have a wig. I went to three stores and nothing. Who knew that helmet hair was so hard to find? I even went to the Goodwill but they had no wigs. I was a little relieved because putting on a Goodwill wig-well, I think I have just enough germophobia to be freaked out by that. But I was willing to do it because sometimes I find that I'm willing to do anything if I think it's funny-and I don't know if that's a good thing.

But I'm thinking of going without a wig and just telling the audience that they have to imagine helmet hair. What a scary thought! It's the 1st anniversary of comedy at the Akbar hosted by my friend the brilliant comedian Bruce Daniels. And just so I don't forget the lyrics, I wrote them in the Reader's Digest Bible that I'll bring onstage. I want to believe that Laura Bush has one too.

I will write tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Hi! I apologize to everyone that I haven't been writing in my blog-but I will dammit! I've been performing so much and once I've stepped off the stage and signed all the merchandise (thanks for shopping by the way!) the last thing I usually want to do is log in and start writing. But you deserve better-so I'm going to start. First let's talk about the Gay and Lesbian softball championship I hosted in Columbus Ohio. Which is the 5th biggest gay population in the country. At least that's what they said in Columbus, but they may be bragging. Even though there were some very large gays there. There was a 6'5" Lindsey Lohan running the bases, and Paris Hilton and Kathy Hilton were all over 6 feet. And I was hosting with Nina West who has to be 7 feet in heels. I was wearing high top tennis shoes-a huge mistake. Next time, even if I'm walking on grass I'm going to wear high heels. I don't care if they have to dig me out of third base (is that nasty?) I'm going to do it.
But it was a blast. I kissed more drag queens in one day than I had in a long time. And even though some of those girls had flawless hair and makeup, not all of them remembered that girls were PERFUME! But they were playing softball, so maybe the ladies were sweating a little more than normal.
And last weekend I was at Joe's Pub in New York. That was soo much fun and I want to thank all the boys who showed up because it was my first time performing there (with the exception of the staged reading of Earth Girls are Easy four years ago with that horrible Kristen Chenowith!) I will write more about her later. Let's just say she's on my sh++t list.
But I hope to be there again in February or March and my boys better be there again! Because otherwise, why do it?

Here's the press release!
JULIE BROWN, "THE FUNNIEST WOMAN IN AMERICA," HEADLINES
POSITIVE ENERGY '07, A FUND RAISER FOR BODY POSITIVE, OCT. 19

PHOENIX, Ariz. (Aug. 03, 2007): Comedian Julie Brown, whom The Boston Globe called "the funniest woman in America" will share the stage at the Tempe Center for the Arts with recording duo – and identical twins – Nemesis at Positive Energy '07, at 8 p.m., Friday, Oct. 19.
The benefit for Body Positive, an HIV & AIDS research and resource center, is presented by Blue Cross Blue Shield of Arizona. Additional sponsors include New Times, the Tempe Visitors and Convention Bureau, Lucky Dog Creative, Heatstroke, Echo Magazine, ION Arizona, 'N Touch News Magazine, The State Press, Energy Radio and Mega Radio.
Tickets are $35, $50 and $100 and are available online at www.bodypositive.org or by calling (602) 307-5330, Ext. 2219. Co-chairs for the event are Mike Nielsen of Nielsen Galleries Design Center and Mark Howard, owner of FEZ Restaurant and Lucky Dog Creative.
Ironically, Brown began her career at the American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco as a serious actress. Soon she was performing in clubs where Lily Tomlin spotted her and cast her in The Incredible Shrinking Woman.
Returning home to Los Angeles, Brown was a regular at Evening at the Improv and began making regular guest appearances on Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and the Jeffersons.
Her mid-80s album, "Goddess in Progress" hit the Billboard Charts, earning significant radio attention and TV appearances leading to her own series on MTV, Just Say Julie.
She wrote and starred in the big-screen production of Earth Girls Are Easy and appeared in the movie and TV series Clueless and the HBO series Six Feet Under as the bubbly Sissy Pasquese.
Called by USA Today as "one of the true Comic Queens," Brown will bring her Smell the Glamour show to Tempe.
Nemesis features identical twins Jacob and Joshua Miller, born and raised as Jehovah's Witnesses in Montana where they started singing and performing for family and friends, moving to Nashville to fulfill their musical ambitions.
The Miller's behind-the-scenes reality show, Nemesis Rising airs on Logo Network and follows these two twins, who could not be more different, as they attempt to make it in the cutthroat music industry and, at the same time, come out publicly about their sexual orientation.
Their debut album on the Curb Recording label, "Rise Up" features their monster Billboard Dance track "Number One in Heaven". The album is available on iTunes.
For more information, visit www.bodypositive.org, www.juliebrown.com or www.nemesisrising.com.

About Body Positive
Body Positive, a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization, is leading the fight against HIV and AIDS through cutting-edge research and resources for individuals with HIV to live long and well and prevent the spread of the disease. Created by and for people infected and affected by HIV, Body Positive offers programs and services including: the largest privately funded Clinical Trials and Biomedical Research site in the West; wellness services including nutritional consultants, naturopathic and homeopathic medicine and an on-site vitamin and herb shop; emotional support for HIV-positive individuals, their friends and families; peer-based education and prevention programs; family support, respite and childcare; outreach services and advocacy. For information visit www.bodypositive.org or call (602) 307-5330.

http://64.78.33.181/features/index.cfm?id=3687&page=features&sub_page=weekly


Julie Brown makes a dirty NYC debut
By Brandon Voss
Everyone's favorite valley girl, Julie Brown made a career out of spoofing and skewering celebs as VJ hostess of the 1989-1992 MTV series Just Say Julie. Now, the actress, comedienne, screenwriter and singer-songwriter known for such hits as "'Cause I'm a Blonde", and "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"—not to mention Earth Girls Are Easy and as the coach in Clueless—makes her New York debut with the one-woman stage show Smell the Glamour, July 27 and 28 at Joe's Pub.


HX: What should we expect from your Joe's Pub show?
Julie Brown: I play different crazy women, some famous and some that are just crazy, and it's kind of nasty. I'm doing some new stuff, some stand- up, showing some little films, but I'm also doing the stuff that people would expect me to do. If I didn't sing "The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun," I think people would be annoyed, right?


Anything special in store for the gays?
Well, I have that a song I wrote called "I Want to Be Gay," so I'd say that's for the gays! I wrote the song because it was at the end of my marriage, I was really frustrated and everything was so complex—especially sex. I had all these gay friends and they have sex and it's just fun. So it was more about wanting the spirit of gay sex. I just like the idea of sex being outrageous—not pedestrian and something you have to talk a lot about.


Have you always felt love from us?
Oh, from the very beginning. I was 19 years old and an acting student at American Conservatory Theatre in San Francisco, and me and my writing partner Charlie did this show at the school. It was crazily popular, so we got booked for some nightclubs before we even graduated. Suddenly, I had these gay fans who would come to my show, and I didn't even really understand why they liked me. But they would show up, and they were insanely supportive and joyful and into what I was doing. They got it. Then I moved to L.A. and started performing at places like The Comedy Store, and I thought it was a nightmare because there were no gays! Where were the gays? It was, like, straight people from the Valley! Then in the 80s I did my record and started performing at gay clubs all over the country. I've just always had gay fans. I've never really completely understood why, but I'm completely grateful and I think it's fantastic.


Who is the Wilson Phillips of today?
Oh my God, there are so many now. I talk in my act about when I met Paris Hilton. But Lindsay Lohan is the Wilson Phillips all in her self. She's Carnie and everybody all at once. She tries to sing and it's pretty horrible. Paris tries to sing, too, but Lindsay takes it a little more seriously.


You also used to love mocking Madonna. What do you think of her now?
She's as crazy as she ever was, but it's just different. I love that she's just out there so you can be amazed and appalled by her, but I think she's completely mentally ill. I wanted to do a satire of her now, with the kids and the British accent and the nannies. I pitched it to Logo and they really liked it, but Logo doesn't have any money to make movies, which is such a drag.


Didn't she send you a gift after seeing your mockumentary Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful?
Yeah, and you could read the sarcasm in the note: 'Dear Julie, Enjoy this half-drunk bottle of champagne. Love, Madonna.' I'm going, 'What is wrong with her?' I think it's great she's almost 50 and is so not giving up the sexuality. She's going to be really great to watch as she ages because she's never going to let it go.


You notably helped launch Jim Carrey's career in Earth Girls Are Easy, right?
I didn't get to actually cast him, but I got to say, 'I think he's good.' He's pretty crazy and on all the time, but I didn't stay friends with him at all. I'm trying to make that movie into a musical. Some people tried to do it a few years ago, but they kind of screwed it up, so I think I have to do it myself.


How was it working with Jennifer Aniston on your 1992 sketch comedy show, The Edge? Jennifer was really adorable, but I don't know what she's like now. We were friends for a little bit, but then I got pregnant and we lost touch. Then Friends happened. I don't have anything bad to say about her other than that she was a little bit neurotic and very food-obsessed. She'd show you what she was eating all the time and tell you how she had a baked potato, but she took the insides out and was only going to eat the skin. And you're like, 'Okay, yeah?' The weirdest thing is that I did a movie with Courteney Cox [1993's The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them ] and she was exactly the same way. She'd run up to me and go, 'I just atefour M&Ms.' I'm not kidding you.


Smell the Glamour, 9:30pm Fri, Jul. 27 & Sat, Jul. 28 @ Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St/Astor Pl, 212-967-7555, $25, juliebrown.com.


Girl Fight Tonight!
The case of Brown vs. Brown
Wubba wubba wha?! If you have a hard time distinguishing between Julie Brown and Downtown Julie Brown, you're not alone. 'There would always be confusion with our names and it really bugged me, but thankfully, her talent —well, she didn't have much—her whatever ran out,' says Brown of the Club MTV hostess. 'She's kind of a loon. The only thing we had in common was our names and that we were on MTV at the same time. This is my new idea: When people look at me and go, 'Are you Downtown Julie Brown?'—and they're obviously not seeing a black woman—I think I should go, 'Yes.' [pause] What do you think?"


Copyright ©1996-2007 HX Media, LLC. All rights reserved.

ALL TERRAIN PRESENTS AN EVENING OF ENCHANTMENT WITH THE SECOND CHANCE STOLI PROM

Prominent Vodka Company Offers the LGBT community the Ultimate Prom Experience

CHICAGO (April 25, 2007) – Stoli, in accordance with All Terrain, presents a spectacular evening of fun and flair with the Stoli PROM, an event designed to celebrate the thriving Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender, (LGBT) community. The event will be held at the Hilton Towers Grand Ballroom on Saturday, June 2.

Kicking off Pride Month, this public event will be a night to remember, offering the entire community a second chance at the perfect prom. The event will feature award-winning singer and gay icon Julie Brown, sharing excerpts of her new show, "Smell The Glamour," as well as the musical talents of Chicago's famed Sixteen Candles.

The evening will mark the conclusion of a series of Stoli Prom pre-promotional events at some of the city's best-known LGBT nightspots (including Atmosphere, Berlin, Roscoe's, Hydrate, Sidetrack, and more) where the search for the illustrious Prom King and Queen takes place.

The event will also feature Julie Brown announcing the winners of the Prom King and Queen and assisting in the crowing.

Stoli PROM is also partnering with Chicago's WXRT 93.1 FM, with proceeds from the event benefiting Howard Brown's Broadway Youth Center.


WHAT: Stoli PROM

WHERE: Hilton Towers Grand Ballroom
720 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL.

WHEN: June 2, 2007
8:00pm – 12:00am

COST: $55 per person or $100 per couple
(Includes cocktails, hor d'oeuvres, Prom Trolley Transportation to and from the Hilton Towers and entertainment.)

Tickets can be purchased at www.ticketweb.com, keyword: StoliProm.

ABOUT JULIE BROWN:
Julie Brown is an award-winning actress/singer and gay icon that started her career at the American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco. She moved to Los Angeles, making frequent guest appearances on Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, and The Jeffersons. Julie's star-turn role as Medusa, in the cult film Medusa, Dare to be Truthful, earned her a Cable Ace Award and the Writer's Guild Award. Currently, she is heading out on the road in her first-ever, live one-woman show currently titled "Smell the Glamour," featuring her new song, "I Want To Be Gay."

ABOUT SIXTEEN CANDLES:
Established in 2003, and re-established in 2006, Sixteen Candles brings all the great 80's songs to life in full force. Attention